


I'm Still Here

by Xenobotanist



Series: Secrets [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Confessions, Could Be Canon, Especially the lies, Introspection, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, could be pre-slash, reference to suicide attempt, why isn't that a tag yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25620415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xenobotanist/pseuds/Xenobotanist
Summary: A look back on the time when Garak was suffering from the malfunctioning implant.Lots of angst, not much comfort.
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: Secrets [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857130
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	I'm Still Here

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 0124 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\

_Is it possible to miss something you’ve never really had? My childhood hardly allowed for friends. At first, all I had was Mila and Tolan, a housekeeper and a gardener. Once I began school, other children were rivals and tools; friendship was thoroughly discouraged. So never once, growing up, did I have a friend. There were… one or two other students who almost, might have been…_

_In the Order, you have peers and comrades; you make contacts, acquaintances, and allies, but you DO NOT make friends. Any close confidence can be betrayed for a momentary advantage, for leverage, for blackmail._

_No, Doctor. I’ve never had a friend._

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 0339 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\

_Major Kira reminds me more than a little of Mila. Both women are fierce and fiercely loyal, rigid and harsh to the point of being almost unapproachable, their soft cores hidden beneath layers of duty, dedication, and moral rigidity. But the major is like Tolan as well. Her devotion to the Bajoran faith equals his reverence to the Oralian Way, in that no amount of shunning, oppression, or legislation can beat it out._

_I have to admire her, really._

_So you see, prolonged interactions with Major Kira must be avoided at all costs. I cannot allow sentimentality to color my conversations, and no doubt she would scorn such a revelation anyhow. I doubt she’d appreciate the regard of a disgraced Cardassian exile._

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 0342 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\

_Constable Odo. Constable Odo possesses a calm that I envy. To have his amount of dispassion, to look at a situation with such detachment... Every day of my life, I have fought to control the fluctuations in my emotions; joy at being proven correct, despair when I fail, anger at the constant rejection and isolation I find around myself on a station full of Bajorans. But Odo, he seems so untouched. His serenity and assurance are like a level sea, deep and wide, and how I wish to float on the surface, apart from the toil and care of the lesser organisms._

_Do you have any idea how effective I could be as a shapeshifter? The information I could obtain, the secrets I could learn! The infiltrations and assassinations would be untraceable. What Tain would give to have someone like Odo under his control! But Odo could never be persuaded or bought. I’m sure that if they should meet, Tain would see him as a very dangerous threat._

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 00416 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\

_Why? Because I wanted the pain to END. There comes a point when nothingness is preferable to endless torment. Surely as a doctor, you can understand that._

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 0455 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\

_I’m wary of Captain Sisko. He doesn’t fear me at all. He sees too much. He looks at me and doesn’t see danger; he sees opportunity. He knows of my plight, but also my desperation for approval and inclusion. He knows that I can be used, because being useful is better than being lonely. Like Tain, he will not hesitate to make use of my talents with no regard to my personal well-being in order to preserve the greater good. For this, I have to respect him._

_And hate him._

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 0520 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\

_Do you remember the Tosk? Of course not, you barely saw him. But I watched the footage. A creature bred to be hunted and killed. Trained his entire life to be well-developed both physically and mentally, just to be turned into a trophy at the first moment of weakness. Ridiculous. What a waste. But I envied him! Why? Because he was free to leave the station. It meant being chased endlessly, a never-ending game of track-and-trap. But at least HE had the courage to leave..._

  
  


Garak looked up from the padd, feeling stunningly blank and empty. Hollow, flushed out. Gutted.

“You don’t remember saying any of this, do you?” The doctor’s face was earnest and open, but also visibly concerned.

“Why--why did you record all of this?”

“Well, because I thought you were a spy. I thought maybe you’d give away some of your secrets.” Bashir blushed, ducking his head.

“And did I?”

The doctor eyed the padd, then looked down. “Not really. You mostly talked about… your feelings.”

“How mortifying. But surely this can’t be all of it. Where’s the rest?” 

Bashir took the padd back, refusing to meet his eyes. “This is all of it. There isn’t any more.”

Garak found that hard to believe, and not just because he could tell when the doctor was being completely honest. “Are you telling me that I spoke for hours on end about life on this station, _to you_ , and never once actually said anything _about_ you?”

Still flushed, the doctor met his eyes briefly, then looked away. “You said that I’m smug and sanctimonious, and that you hate me.”

“And so you deleted that part? How very Federation of you. Remove the parts you don’t like, because they _hurt_.” To Garak’s surprise, Bashir just shrugged. “Tell me, Doctor, if I didn’t share any state secrets or Obsidian Order codes, then why did you save these confessions? And why are you sharing them with me now, almost 2 years later?”

“I--I don’t really know. At first, I thought I could play your game and kept them as a sort of… well, blackmail of my own, I guess. I could threaten to share your thoughts with the people you talked about.”

“Devious! I wouldn’t have expected that of you.”

“But now, well, I thought I’d give it back. I don’t want to use the information, but… it didn’t feel right deleting everything. So here.” He ejected the data rod and handed it over.

Garak took the offering, not minding the brush of fingers as it transferred hands. He wondered if there was a copy. “Thank you, Doctor,” he said quietly, uncertainly. He stood up to leave, but couldn’t help asking one last question. “Did you believe any of it?”

Bashir stood too, a bland mask over his face. Having taught it to him, Garak could discern the effort, if not the reason. “Of course. It’s all true, isn’t it? Even the lies.”

Garak nodded, unable to repress a grin. “ _Especially_ the lies.”

  
  
  
  


Lying down for the night, Julian reached over to the nightstand and opened the top drawer. He withdrew the padd inside, and lay back on his pillows, reading the lines of text for the hundredth time.

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 0201 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\

_You humans have a saying: “The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference.” No matter how hard I try, dear doctor, I cannot remain indifferent to you._

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 0209 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\

_At first, I just wanted to bed you, you know. I saw that wide-eyed wonder and enthusiasm and NAIVETE, and I wanted to bathe in it. I wanted to wrap myself up inside you and feel warmth and goodness like I haven’t felt in decades. I wanted to hear you scream, to MAKE you scream, but only in the best ways. You were intoxicating to a withered-up outcast such as myself. Touching your shoulders that first time was nearly as good as activating the implant…_

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 0521 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\

_...and look at me. Still here. Surely I could find somewhere else to go. ANYWHERE else. There are places even the Obsidian Order won’t look. Well, mostly because they’re of little to no relevance or concern. But I could leave, I could! Instead, I stay, hoping fruitlessly that Tain will change his mind and call me back. That Cardassia will need me again._

_And if they don't, well, there’re still lunches with you. Have I ever told you just how much I ENJOY our little debates? Don’t look at me like that. I look forward to them all week. I’ll be finishing a jacket or mending a hem, and I’ll suddenly remember a point I want to make about our current novel. I’ve come very close to comming you outside of our regular afternoon hours several times, now. How would you have responded if I did, called you up in the middle of surgery, or woke you in the middle of the night? Would you come to me?_

///\\\\\///\\\\\\- 0534 hours -///\\\\\///\\\\\

_They left me. They all… left._

_Don’t leave me, dear Doctor; you’re all I have._


End file.
